The last thing any of us wants is to come face to face with the true nature of reality. To realize that absolutely everything we think we know about the world and ourselves is actually just a highly sophisticated illusion, and what we really are is terrifying, beautiful and strange beyond all comprehension… well that would ruin anybody’s morning! To make sure you can enjoy your breakfast in peace, we have created this handy guide to remaining firmly asleep in the comforting and familiar experience known as “life”. After all, ignorance is bliss!
1. The Art Of Assumption
“The truth will set you free”, so we need to avoid it at all costs! One of the most powerful ways to achieve this is to practice the art of assumption. Instead of using observation and experience to understand a situation, it is best to build rigid beliefs based on the limited information you have. So for example, if a person is rude to you, it is much better to assume that they are a terrible person rather than to entertain any silly ideas around their behaviour being due to an incredibly complex interplay of personal history and present circumstances.
The most powerful assumptions of all are assumptions we have about ourselves, so these are great for ensuring the dreaded spiritual awakening has no chance of happening. So take the example of a rude person. If we are trying to avoid experiencing anything remotely resembling reality, then it would be useful to assume the person is rude to you because it is you who is the terrible person.
Forming a strong negative belief about yourself, i.e. that you are a failure, unlovable, and basically useless is a tried and tested way of staying firmly asleep that is currently being successfully practised by millions of people in the modern world. Conversely, you may also want to try creating a set of false positive beliefs about yourself: that you are smarter, more attractive and generally better than your fellow human beings. This technique is practised by many celebrities and politicians and ensures that they remain as far away from a spiritual awakening as possible.
2. The Power of Reaction
So once you have collected an enormous collection of completely erroneous assumptions about the world, it is time to start putting them into action. The trick here is to act immediately and automatically on your assumptions without questioning them. This way they will become completely solid and there will be no opportunity to ever examine them. So if that same person is rude to you, immediately shout at them based on your assumption that they are a terrible person. The idea is to go straight from the stimulus to the response without even noticing the underlying assumption. It takes a little practice, but soon you will be acting as an unconscious machine, and that’s great because we all know that machines can’t have spiritual awakenings – ever heard of an enlightened toaster?
3. Making it a habit
So once we have formed our assumptions and learnt to act on the without question, the next step is to build solid habits. A habit is like a whole pattern of automatic reactions, all working together, like cogs in the mindless machine that you aspire to become.
With a little practice, you can develop habits that literally fill up your entire life (your future lives too if you believe such things). Working in jobs you hate, drowning your sorrows with alcohol, sitting aimlessly on the sofa, impressing people on social media… all of these are excellent habits you can build from your assumptions and reactions. Having a strong set of assumptions about yourself and others can help you to form terrible relationships, where the same horrible drama is repeated over and over again.
The idea is to repeatedly manifest the exact same scenarios without learning a single thing. Then you can stack another habit on top, the habit of complaining about how hard your life is. This is an
advanced practice which, if performed correctly, will make a spiritual awakening absolutely impossible.
4. Use spiritual practices
It may seem strange that we would recommend spiritual practices in an article about avoiding a spiritual awakening, but actually the world of spirituality can provide some of the best methods of staying asleep.
For example, if you practice a lot of Yoga and meditation, it is very easy to feel superior to people who do not. So take advance of this to paint an internal picture of yourself as an enlightened master, having to live among the poor foolish mortals. A solid practice of spiritual snobbishness will prevent any sort of genuine spiritual experience taking place. The assumption that you are better than other people can be used to build all sorts of “spiritual” habits, putting you on a kind of superiority auto-pilot that will prevent anything approaching a real spiritual awakening.
On the other hand, practising Yoga and meditation can also help you to develop a strong sense of inferiority. To master this, try looking at the most flexible people in the Yoga class and cultivate jealousy toward them. Or viciously criticize yourself for lacking the self-discipline to practice as hard as you should. If you notice many thoughts appearing in your mind during meditation, immediately take this as evidence that you are terrible at meditating because you are a terrible person. Again, these assumptions can be stitched together into habits, giving you an entire life devoted to being a spiritual failure (a great way to remain in that wonderful comforting slumber).
Spirituality can also give you the opportunity to practice fanaticism. A great way to stay asleep is to develop the idea that one religion, one teacher, one guru, or one set of principles represent the actual truth and that everybody else is wrong. You may also want to try fanatically practising Yoga or meditation; spending every waking hour on a frantic quest for the truth is a great way to avoid ever experiencing it.
5. Get Help
Staying asleep can be challenging, but remember that you are not alone – there is a huge community out there who can support you to stay in the mechanical world of illusion. Parents, teachers, colleges, the media, the government, advertising agencies, mental health professionals and even gurus are all working overtime to keep as away from the terrible experience of actual reality.
If you do notice a friend or loved one appears to be having a spiritual awakening, the best thing to do is to laugh at them or tell them they are going crazy. The resulting shame and fear will bring them back into the comforting world of assumptions and automatic reactions in no time, and they’ll thank you for it!
Avoid spiritual communities at all costs. Unless, of course, they are full of smug hippies with a superiority complex using spiritual knowledge to justify their own selfishness and inability to get a proper job. These type of communities are ideal for building habits designed for maintaining that comforting illusion we desperately need to stay in at all costs.
Stay Asleep = Stay Calm
Waking up is terrifying. If you want to stop it happening to you, please use this guide. Make assumptions, react without question, build solid habits, be extremely spiritual, and seek the support of the sleeping community. Please share this article with your friends, especially any that you think may be at risk of spiritual awakening. Namaste!